...I ended up writing a four page critique for the one and a half pages I'd written so far for my Star Wars fic idea. That's... a lot of stuff, huh? Not exactly sure how I got myself to view it somewhat objectively when it's only been a month or less since I've written it (well, I did copy it into Word Starter, in a different font, and tried going into 'read mode' where I won't allow myself to edit it, but also had a place where I could take notes on the overall feel. So that probably helped some).
I looked through the big list of flaws (and one or two 'good job' notes) to find a handful of things I need to work on (besides my problem of revising the same chapter over and over):
(tell me if it makes sense for you, too, or if it's just some personal problems of my own)
Show the audience.
Instead of stating something, or else trying to squeeze more than one idea into the same sentence because there's so little to say, think of what the point of view character would see (or hear, etc.) that would convince him/her of the statement of fact. Writing the evidence that leads to the fact is not only closer to the character and his/her feelings, it's also more interesting. Plus, it should help fill out the word count, instead of having that one sentence that was meant to be a whole paragraph. And it's also a way of getting the point or the mood across, when it seems impossible to explain it - otherwise that mood or feeling won't be picked up on by the audience, because it's never actually mentioned.
"Pieces of durasteel littered the ground around him, much of it scorched. Seeing them almost caused something to come to mind. Slowly, he twisted to look over his shoulder"
Problems: Doesn't show the audience the pieces of metal, and the eerie mood I wanted doesn't actually come across. (did it feel eerie to you?)
How to fix it: "Pieces of durasteel littered the ground" is boring. It's a statement. Show the audience those pieces of metal through his eyes. How does he see them? What does he think when he starts noticing them? Do they look like smoking debris? Mention the clumps of earth they took out as they jumped across the ground. Mention that the pieces decrease in size the farther away they are from him. Have him feel like he should turn around. I need to better explain the feeling that there’s something he should know. Have him slowly realize it, like with noticing the pattern with the durasteel piece sizes, and the ruts of earth trailing out from the pieces and possibly even grass bunching up on the opposite side, which automatically infer the direction they came from. Also, how far out does the debris spread? The farther the range, the faster they were moving. Plus, the debris being around him can also suggest that he himself was involved in whatever had happened. The meaning of these things might not even have to be said, as it’s kind’a subconscious, something common sense-ish that would give you a feeling without you consciously realizing why. Show the eeriness of it all. Possibly mention that his eyes begin to drift behind him almost of their own accord if wanted (but make sure it’s worded right).
Don't talk to the audience.
Since when do I do that? But I apparently do now. I end up feeling I have to explain the reasoning behind something, or explain why the character is doing what they're doing. Don't do it. Instead, either leave it out, or have the character think to themselves, to themselves. Only say what the character is saying to themselves. Don't add extra padding to the sentences that isn't needed, it's the character's personal thoughts. They're supposed to be basic. He/she isn't writing a diary. I don't usually mean to 'talk to the audience' when I write these lines, but when reading through them later, it sounds like I'm doing just that. The main thing to ask is, "Is this how the character thinks, from their point of view? Is it personal?" Part of the problem is most likely trying to write only half-way from the character's point of view. It sounds more like an outside narrator who knows what's going on with the character. But, the goal was to write from within the character's mind. (I'll probably still have a lot of half-in, half-out lines in my story, but recognizing this particular issue is a start.)
"When he noticed, it only went to confirm his suspicions."
Problem: Talking to the audience.
How to fix it: This one may not be as good an example as I'd like, but it still doesn't sound like something he would think. Instead, infer how this 'confirms his suspicions' somehow. Show it. Leave the sentence out even. Maybe have something else happen between the previous and next sentences.
(I had a few more-obvious examples, but I haven't said much about these 'talking to the audience' problems in my notes. It's usually just 'say it like they're thinking to themselves, or leave it out if they wouldn't think about it'. There was one pretty good example of feeling the need to explain something to the audience, but it's a paragraph full of 'he's going to do this and this in the future', so it would be a bit of a spoiler, and my solution for that was to just not say that stuff and show what he does later on in the story)
Hard-to-figure-out-how-to-say wording.
You know that feeling when you want to say something but you don't know that word or phrase that properly describes it, and/or you don't know how to say something without it seeming awkward in some way? Well... if so, that's what I'm talking about here. These types of problems are hard to figure out how to fix, because they're caused by not knowing how to say ...it? that part? that block of text I can't think of a word for? The idea! That's it. Not knowing how to say the idea that's being gone for. ...what? Sometimes thinking about what you want to say from a different angle helps.
"A long, thin piece of debris caught his attention. It rested innocently against one of the larger pieces of durasteel. It was in two pieces, bent and twisted but not completely separated. Black cloth hung from it, with gleaming metal visible underneath. His eyes widened as he stared at it, barely noticing as his heart-rate accelerated and it became hard to breath."
Problems: Strange wording, and exaggerated reaction because of strange wording.
How to fix it: (Do any of you guys have any idea what the quote is about?) Don’t say so much about technically physical attributes (long, thin piece, two pieces that are bent and twisted but not completely separated). That’s just boring and not understandable. Figure out how to say it in less words and in a way that is more recognizable. Especially in a way that’s more recognizable. Try to find words that would specifically describe that specific object, things that define that object, are unique to that object. And, he probably wouldn’t have a reaction as big as this seems to imply. He’s not freaking out over seeing this object, he’s just a bit surprised/startled (a failed attempt at trying to show the audience he's surprised from his point of view).
Tell how he/she got from one idea to the next - or, Show the transition.
So, maybe I've run out of stuff to say about one topic and want to move on to the next thing I want to happen within the scene, or maybe I have a reason for the topic change but don't realize the reason isn't obvious. Either way, it may sound a bit odd. Make sure a topic change makes sense, and if it doesn't, think of why the character changes topics, and then show that thought process.
"It was incredible. It wasn’t possible.
He wedged an elbow beneath him to push himself to a sitting position"
Problems: Unexplained switch of focus, hard-to-figure-out-how-to-say wording, and not showing the audience.
How to fix it: 1. Him sitting up seems a bit sudden. He takes a break from thinking about the 'incredible, impossible' stuff in order to sit up. How does he get to that point? What’s his thought process? What makes him decide to sit up? It's a bit important. Does he get tired of straining to look around while lying down? Does he want to get up from a part adrenaline, part excited to know what else is going on, kind of thing? The adrenaline/excited idea is closer to what I was originally thinking. But, whatever it is, he definitely isn't supposed to be thinking, "Oh wow this is-! (pause) Hm... I think I'll sit up."
2. There's also a bit of an issue with the second line, where I had trouble figuring out how to say the way he sits up. ‘wedged’ just doesn’t seem like a good word. And it seems like a quite a few words for such a minor action. Maybe I should describe it in a different way - reword the sentence, go about it from a different direction. There should be some way of describing the action of reflexively putting an elbow under you to push against in order to sit up. What if he just thinks about sitting up, and then he does so without thinking about the mechanics of it? It might be a possibility, but I'm not sure yet.
3. Lastly, the 'incredible' and 'wasn't possible' stuff is just stating facts. It doesn't sound very incredible. What if I forget about the idea of having those two sentences as a summary and just go for sticking with talking about how he feels? He probably does feel those ways, but instead of saying it, I could show it to the audience. Does his eyes widen, his heart speed up, or what? Does his breath catch, his jaw drop? Is he thinking of some specific property of the incredible, impossible object and uses some ‘incredible/impossible’ language while thinking about/describing it? What exactly does he think is incredible and/or impossible? (I know I was going for ‘the whole thing’, but let’s be more specific.)
Don't distance yourself from the scene.
Sometimes I distance myself from the character. Like if he/she is in danger, I might automatically pull away from them. However, it's more exciting and emotional to get closer to the character, not farther away from them. It might be uncomfortable, but that's why it's fun to read. Check the most dramatic, dangerous scenes for narration becoming distant.
"With flames licking at the ship, and blurs of grass and trees rising to meet him, nothing would be able to stop the ship."
Problems: Describing things outside of the character's point of view, and not showing the audience.
How to fix it: Can I tell what the scenery looks like besides ‘blurs’? (the answer is 'yes') I’m distancing myself from the scene - don’t do that, get closer. Tell about flames and scenery as the character would see it. Describe it as though noticing it from looking out the window. Tell how he sees these things, and think of what would be most noticeable to him. Maybe the dashboard could even tell how close he is from the ground or an impact.
